Tag Archives: mind

depression diaries..an insight

I just want to say to my mother “I’m sorry I’m a burden, I’m sorry I’m so messed up”. I feel scared to be alone because my mind scares me, I want to claw at myself just to distract from the thoughts. I wish I could run and never stop, run for miles until I pass out and not have to think or remember; the throbbing of my feet or the rawness in my chest a pain that occupies me.

It’s frightening how quick a mood can change, one minute I am laughing on the phone, the next I am howling in bed and the worst times are when I don’t even know why. Even worse when there are too many reasons why, but they still do not seem like a justification.

No man is an island they say, but I feel so much like an island that I’m not even on this planet. Isolation consumes me and I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life. I am angry and snappy, moody and cold, but I wish they could see that there’s a reason. I know I am weak, and I can’t be as independent as I thought it’s humiliating and child like, but I can’t help it. I can’t do this on my own, but I always will because there’s no other way – it’s just me and my mind no matter who I let in…so why bother letting anyone in at all.

Lying in bed I genuinely forget what happiness feels like. How did falling asleep used to be so easy? As a child all I would think about is green meadows and blossom trees and I would feel so tranquil, but now not even a fantasy world can feel like a release. There’s no such thing as a happy fantasy world because there’s nothing that I can think of that will make me happy.

My mind feels so foggy and dark inside. I don’t know how that can be but it does. All I can think about is my sadness because it’s even more painful to think of anything else; anything real. I am too afraid to leave company, being with people is like being on stage; I am acting and my mind is on the current scene, I am the person they all know me to be. I read my lines and laugh, smile or nod when it’s my queue, but when they’re gone there is no script, no focus and I am just left with me. The show is over and I am back to reality, the intensity of my mind.

I wish I could escape my mind, now not even sleep is an escape because my dreams are about my worst fears and it’s terrifying.



I woke up at about 5 am this morning (for no reason as I am not at work today) and had a sudden urge to write down my dreams as they intrigued me and were still so vivid. Before I have wanted to keep a book by my bed and write my dreams down as I read the idea somewhere and thought it’d be interesting to do, especially as psychology, the mind and subconscious etc. really fascinates me.

I remember most that I dreamt about trains; I was on a train and everyone got off without me causing me having to jump of when the train started moving again and also I had to get on a train which was just one carriage and was rather full of people. According to dreammoods.com this could mean (I have picked out the ones most relevant to me) “Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end” and “to see a train in your dream represents conformity[…]” and finally “To dream you are at a train station represents a transitional period in your life. You need to take a short break to reassess your situation and determine your path and goals”.

I understand that these dream meanings can be a load of b/s and remind me a bit of horoscopes – they are generic and tend to related to the majority of people’s life situations, but I did find some of my results rather relatable, another example; I dreamt I was in a woods/forest and dreammoods.com also say that that could “indicate that you want to escape to a simpler way of life”. All that I have mentioned above seem to be relatively relevant especially as I looked at other things I didn’t dream about and they didn’t seem to fit my current state of mind.

I thought a lot about university yesterday and whether I want to go or not “you need to take a short break to reassess your situation and determine your path and goals” and lately I’ve been going through a really rough time, including a break up which could explain the forest dream explanation (I also dreamt about a house with red walls, apparently red suggests negativity, blue; positivity).

I know it seems a bit bizarre and like I said the majority of people could probably relate to this, or I could guess myself what some of the dreams mean, but I did have fun doing some researching and analysing my mind. If you’ve ever wanted to write your dreams down as soon as you wake up or have a look into them, I suggest you do it. It’s only a bit of fun anyway and can help you have a bit of an insight into yourself and your current state of mind.