I just want to say to my mother “I’m sorry I’m a burden, I’m sorry I’m so messed up”. I feel scared to be alone because my mind scares me, I want to claw at myself just to distract from the thoughts. I wish I could run and never stop, run for miles until I pass out and not have to think or remember; the throbbing of my feet or the rawness in my chest a pain that occupies me.
It’s frightening how quick a mood can change, one minute I am laughing on the phone, the next I am howling in bed and the worst times are when I don’t even know why. Even worse when there are too many reasons why, but they still do not seem like a justification.
No man is an island they say, but I feel so much like an island that I’m not even on this planet. Isolation consumes me and I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life. I am angry and snappy, moody and cold, but I wish they could see that there’s a reason. I know I am weak, and I can’t be as independent as I thought it’s humiliating and child like, but I can’t help it. I can’t do this on my own, but I always will because there’s no other way – it’s just me and my mind no matter who I let in…so why bother letting anyone in at all.
Lying in bed I genuinely forget what happiness feels like. How did falling asleep used to be so easy? As a child all I would think about is green meadows and blossom trees and I would feel so tranquil, but now not even a fantasy world can feel like a release. There’s no such thing as a happy fantasy world because there’s nothing that I can think of that will make me happy.
My mind feels so foggy and dark inside. I don’t know how that can be but it does. All I can think about is my sadness because it’s even more painful to think of anything else; anything real. I am too afraid to leave company, being with people is like being on stage; I am acting and my mind is on the current scene, I am the person they all know me to be. I read my lines and laugh, smile or nod when it’s my queue, but when they’re gone there is no script, no focus and I am just left with me. The show is over and I am back to reality, the intensity of my mind.
I wish I could escape my mind, now not even sleep is an escape because my dreams are about my worst fears and it’s terrifying.