Tag Archives: alone

The Secret Side of a Student

Before I came to university, I saw it as this one big party. Everyone had said how uni was the best time of their lives and all my friends who were already at university seemed to be having the time of their lives from what I saw over social media. I was getting up for work everyday whilst they got to lie in until 12pm, I was sitting at home most nights whilst they dressed up and went clubbing or had fun nights in with all their friends.

I couldn’t wait to start university. However, it turns out it’s not all it was cracked up to be.

I don’t think I am completely alone when I say university isn’t as wild and as fun as everyone tries to portray it to be. I have spent a lot of nights miserable in my dingy little halls of residence room, wishing I was joining in the fun that everybody else seemed to be having. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some good nights out, but I didn’t build the friendships I hoped I would. Back at home, everyone kind of felt like acquaintances, my friends here at uni also still do. They even make my friends at home feel like long term, deep down friends – at least acquaintances at home were familiar with me and I them.

Living alone is nice, but I do miss my mom and the comfort of home a lot. I am a very independent person and not the type of person who has grown accustomed to some fancy life back home, I did not even think I would miss home at all, but I do. It’s not even just the house and my mom I miss; I am one of the unfortunate ones who – despite being in a flat with eleven other people – doesn’t have a close bond with all their halls mates, so I miss even just company and talking to people where I live. It’s so isolating. Cooking in the kitchen is lonely and even when someone else is too, it’s just awkward. Everywhere is grubby, which was expected of student living, but it’s not exactly home when you don’t even want to sit on the toilet seat because of the germs and dirt…

I think maybe I am just unlucky, that’s all university experiences ever are: luck of the draw. Yes I have friends, but there always feels like there’s some sort of barrier in the way. Even when I do have free time (which is a ridiculous amount sometimes, who thought I’d be wanting more lectures to fill up my lonely time?) it’s hard to find a time when everyone else is free too, or when anyone else actually wants to do something. It’s not that I don’t gel with the people I’ve met, but more I just don’t feel I fit in with people here. Then again, I never feel like I fit in anywhere.

People like me may have come to university in a city they love thinking that this would finally be their calling, their place to be, where everything would finally start falling into place. It has turned out to be the exact opposite, I don’t think I am alone in saying I have never felt more lost or dropped in the deep end than I do now. Sometimes I feel I don’t belong here, but I need my degree and I love the city, but it’s not a comfortable feeling when you don’t feel like you belong or when the path you’ve chosen doesn’t sit right with you.

Some say they met their closest friends after the first term, some say second year is much better as living in a house with your friends is much more comforting than halls of residence when you don’t click with everyone. I guess we’ll see but all I am saying is don’t believe everything you hear before you’ve tried it out.

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depression diaries..an insight

I just want to say to my¬†mother “I’m sorry I’m a burden, I’m sorry I’m so messed up”.¬†I feel scared to be alone because my mind scares me, I want to claw at myself just to distract from the thoughts. I wish I could run and never stop, run for miles until I pass out and not have to think or remember; the throbbing of my feet or the rawness in my chest a pain that occupies me.

It’s frightening how quick a mood can change, one minute I am laughing on the phone, the next I am howling in bed and the worst times are when I don’t even know why. Even worse when there are too many reasons why, but they still do not seem like a justification.

No man is an island they say, but I feel so much like an island that I’m not even on this planet. Isolation consumes me and I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life. I am angry and snappy, moody and cold, but I wish they could see that there’s a reason. I know I am weak, and I can’t be as independent as I thought it’s humiliating and child like, but I can’t help it. I can’t do this on my own, but I always will because there’s no other way – it’s just me and my mind no matter who I let in…so why bother letting anyone in at all.

Lying in bed I genuinely forget what happiness feels like. How did falling asleep used to be so easy? As a child all I would think about is green meadows and blossom trees and I would feel so tranquil, but now not even a fantasy world can feel like a release. There’s no such thing as a happy fantasy world because there’s nothing that I can think of that will make me happy.

My mind feels so foggy and dark inside. I don’t know how that can be but it does. All I can think about is my sadness because it’s even more painful to think of anything else; anything real. I am too afraid to leave company, being with people is like being on stage; I am acting and my mind is on the current scene, I am the person they all know me to be. I read my lines and laugh, smile or nod when it’s my queue, but when they’re gone there is no script, no focus and I am just left with me. The show is over and I am back to reality, the intensity of my mind.

I wish I could escape my mind, now not even sleep is an escape because my dreams are about my worst fears and it’s terrifying.